Perspective Matters
Just Because It's Not Your Experience Doesn't Mean It's Not Real
We all move through the world anchored in our own experience. It's human. But problems arise when we assume our experience is the only valid one. When someone speaks up about discomfort or unfair treatment and it doesn't align with what we've personally felt, the reflex is often to dismiss it. "I don’t see the problem," becomes shorthand for "There is no problem." But that mindset erases people. It tells them their truth doesn’t matter. Worse, it tells them they don’t matter.
The Office Air Conditioning Problem
Let’s start with something simple: office air conditioning. In many workplaces, there's an ongoing debate—some employees are freezing, others are fine. The ones who aren’t cold might shrug and say, "It feels okay to me," assuming that should settle the matter. But the physiological reality is that people experience temperature differently. Factors like body size, gender, clothing norms, and even hormonal cycles can make a huge difference. Studies have shown that office temperatures are often set based on outdated metrics calibrated for male bodies.
So when someone says they’re cold, they’re not being difficult. They’re being honest. Ignoring their discomfort doesn’t make it disappear. In fact, it can create resentment and lower productivity. That person might start working from home more, or disengage in meetings. Eventually, their frustration affects team morale, collaboration, and output. What didn’t affect you directly at first now does, because all systems—especially workplaces—are interdependent.
I start off with this above example, having experienced a scenario years ago, where three of us suffered the brunt of the aircon all for the sake of one individual who never felt the cold. Office windows wide open during the peak of Bloemfontein (Free State, South Africa) winter because - 'it is too stuffy in here'.
Lets delve into the matter a bit more considering the example is a placeholder for many other scenarios.
Pain Is Real, Even When It’s Not Yours
This isn’t just about thermostats. It’s about empathy and recognition. When someone says they feel excluded, overlooked, or disrespected, and your instinct is to measure that claim against your own experience, you’re not practicing empathy—you’re practicing denial.
Consider someone who says they feel unheard in meetings. Maybe you’ve never noticed it because you’ve never been talked over, or maybe you’ve never felt the need to raise your voice twice to be acknowledged. That doesn’t mean their reality is invalid. The effects are real—diminished confidence, burnout, and eventually, departure.
The Domino Effect
When we ignore someone else’s reality, we often invite consequences we didn’t anticipate. That cold colleague might fall sick more often. That unheard teammate might stop contributing. That marginalized employee might leave. And when good people leave, others notice. The team culture shifts. Trust erodes. Productivity suffers.
The same applies outside the workplace. When communities dismiss concerns about policing, racism, or environmental hazards because "I’ve never experienced that," they’re making a dangerous leap from personal experience to universal truth. That leap often lands on the backs of those who are already carrying too much.
Why It’s Hard to See What We Don’t Feel
One reason we default to disbelief is because it's cognitively easier to trust what we see and feel directly. Psychologists call this the "empathy gap"—our difficulty in understanding perspectives different from our own, especially when we’re not in the same emotional or physical state. It takes effort to imagine being cold when you're warm. It takes even more effort to believe someone is emotionally distressed when you're feeling fine.
But empathy is a skill, not a switch. It can be developed. It starts with listening, with resisting the urge to center ourselves, and with the simple acknowledgment: Just because it’s not happening to me doesn’t mean it’s not happening.
Perspectives Aren’t Threats
Sometimes, people feel attacked when someone presents a different perspective. If you say the office is too cold, someone else might take it personally—"Are you saying I’m wrong for being comfortable?" But this isn’t a zero-sum game. Your discomfort doesn’t invalidate theirs, and vice versa. The goal isn’t to win. It’s to find a balance, a solution that takes everyone into account.
When someone speaks up about racial bias, ableism, or any form of exclusion, it’s not an accusation. It’s a perspective, shaped by lived experience. If we rush to defend ourselves instead of listening, we turn every conversation into a battle. And in battles, people bleed.
The Power of Acknowledgment
One of the most powerful things we can do is simply say: "I hear you." You don’t have to fully understand someone’s experience to respect it. You don’t have to agree with every detail to believe the overall truth. When we validate each other’s realities, we build trust. We make room for nuance. We create environments where people feel safe to speak and be seen.
A Broader Social Lens
Zooming out, this dynamic plays out across society. Climate change is a classic example. If your neighborhood hasn't experienced floods, droughts, or wildfires, it’s easy to dismiss climate warnings as alarmist. But those already facing these crises—often in less privileged parts of the world—don’t have the luxury of denial. Their reality is already shaped by damage. Ignoring their truth won’t make it any less true.
The same goes for systemic injustice. Privilege often acts like noise-canceling headphones—you don’t hear the static others live with daily. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. And the longer we ignore it, the louder it eventually becomes.
So What Can You Do?
-
Listen without dismissing. When someone shares a negative experience, resist the urge to compare it to your own.
-
Ask instead of assuming. If you don’t understand where someone is coming from, ask questions. Be curious, not combative.
-
Support shared solutions. Whether it’s adjusting the thermostat, rethinking policies, or amplifying marginalized voices, aim for collective well-being.
-
Reflect on your lens. Everyone has blind spots. The goal isn’t to eliminate them overnight, but to keep widening your field of view.
Final Thought
The world doesn’t revolve around any one person’s comfort zone. And that's okay. In fact, it’s what makes community possible. When we make space for realities beyond our own, we don’t lose anything—we gain depth, connection, and resilience. Because the truth is: what doesn’t affect you today might tomorrow. And even if it never does, someone else is living it right now. That’s reason enough to care.
